I often hear some really, really bad dating advice circulating amongst friends. And these are church friends. Now I stayed single for three years before I began dating Matt. We dated for almost two years before getting engaged, and our engagement lasted for six months before we were married. I definitely won’t claim to know all when it comes to dating, but I can say I’ve read the only book that knows all about anything. I can’t tell you how many blogs, books, YouTube videos, pastors, friends, and Instagram posts I consulted when it came to dating advice during our first year together. Matt had just gotten out of a year-long relationship four months before we began dating, and I had been dating Jesus for three years prior to our relationship. We were coming from completely opposite spectrums trying to make our relationship work, and one of the most damaging things we did that only made things worse was take advice from anyone other than THE wonderful Counselor Himself, Jesus. Some of the advice we got were ideas like:
-You should date your partner for two years before getting engaged because that’s when the sexual feelings wear off and you’ll really know if you love your partner by then.
-The only true apology is changed behavior.
-Forgive them, but don’t let them do it again.
-Don’t date someone right after they get out of a relationship if they were having sex because the “soul ties” are still there between them and the one they were having sex with.
And the list goes on...
And understand my heart, friends. Your loved ones, pastors, and psychologists/authors mean well when they counsel you. But the only book that can give 100% accurate advice 100% of the time, is the written Word of God. Anything else has a chance of being tainted by the flesh and therefore being more harmful than helpful. I wish I understood this earlier to save the one I love from any hurt I caused him when he didn’t measure up to the standards I felt he should because of what a book written by a HUMAN told me.
Having learned from love, the best advice I can give any single/dating/engaged person is to put God as the center of your relationship, read His Word, and follow the actions of Jesus (aka following the Holy Spirit and not your emotions.) Most of the time it means doing the exact OPPOSITE of what your friends, books, or the world in general tells you to do. It means making yourself absolutely vulnerable instead of protecting SELF, and putting your significant other’s best interests first before yours. Seriously. Like don’t even think about your best interests. This may seem completely CRAZY to some people, even CHRISTIANS. But you can’t argue that Jesus served others always and that Jesus IS love. Love is selfless. And when you realize that most fights and arguments that occur between couples are a result of one or both people being selfish, it really puts things into perspective.
My husband reminded me of something so important the other day. He reminded me of the scripture in 1 Corinthians on love and what true love is. According to the scripture, after listing ALL of the things that love is and isn’t, it ends with “Love never fails.” He made a bold but true statement: At the end of the day, if it failed, it wasn’t love. He gave me the example of all of his past relationships that failed. He told me that although now he could see that they were “train wrecks,” it wasn’t because of different personalities, or because one person hurt the other too much, or any of the “obvious” reasons one might say. It was because it wasn’t love.
John 3:16 tells us that God SO loved the world, THAT He gave His one and only son. God proves His love to us in that scripture not by a simple statement that He loves us. The scripture says He SO loved us THAT He proved it by GIVING us His only son. The ultimate act of selflessness. And He did it for zero payment on our part. He didn’t look at us and say, “You’ve wronged me too much so I’m done with you.” He did the opposite. He looked at you and every single one of us, and all of the most horrible things we’ve ever done to Him and to each other... and felt we were worth it. In the same way, we should prove our love (to our spouse) by selflessness and commitment REGARDLESS of how they’ve hurt you, wronged you, etc. Expecting nothing in return. It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially because so many of us, including believers, are naturally SELF focused. Focused on SELF growth, SELF protection, SELF love, SELF healing, and the list goes on. But SELF doesn’t work in a relationship unless you’re focused on how you yourSELF can make your significant other happy. When I had this revelation, I realized that anything else is counterfeit love.
It took me way longer than it should have to accept that my husband hadn’t waited to have sex until marriage. I felt hurt, because I had, and I couldn’t comprehend why he hadn’t “done the same for me.” That was a really low point of mine until I really got a hold of the Word, what true love is, and how God intended sex to be. Not only was my husband’s past a counterfeit love, but I was harboring a counterfeit love in my heart every time I felt that he should have waited because I had. I had been setting an expectation of him that if he hadn’t failed in this area, he would have failed in another. I realized that God had set the standard of love and anything else was absolutely WRONG. So I made the decision to pursue a true love with my husband (who was then my boyfriend) and l set my eyes on our future together, on our marriage, and on our first night together engaging in TRUE love, the way God intended. But it was a CHOICE. Because that’s what love is, a CHOICE. Feelings are fickle. Compatibility only works until it doesn’t. But a conscious decision to pursue and love your spouse NO MATTER WHAT because of what God did for you, brings a kind of love that NOTHING can separate.
I’m sure I’m not the only person who has had these thoughts and feelings, or perhaps you’re on the opposite end and trying to come to grips with your past. Maybe you’re trying to figure out what love is and how to find it. My advice to you is to open your Bible and find out for yourself what love is from the One who is love. I can’t tell you how drastically my relationship with my husband changed when we had this revelation while we were dating. It has taken our love to the next level. I truly hope God’s Word does the same for you.
-Stephanie
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